I am Alive…

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Unite your eyelashes with mine in such a way

So that all your tears are set on my eye lashes

You have been with me all the time

Yes, sometimes your body has been with me and sometimes away from me

What ever your sorrows are, tell them about how I fill get them (as a threat)

Unite your eyelashes with mine in such a way

So that all your tears are set on my eye lashes

I don’t like the gloom on your face

This relationship with your grief isn’t fair

Listen to my plea…eliminate it from your face

Unite your eyelashes with mine in such a way

So that all your tears are set on my eye lashes

Unite your eyelashes with mine in such a way

~Atif Aslam Kuch Is Tarah (translated by me)

As I was waiting for my friend to work on her post, I was feeling bored and my music was on shuffle when I listen to this song. It’s in Urdu, but I translated it, you can still listen to it here, so you can feel the beat and calmness.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about it, but that I am dedicating this song to everyone who has been in love, who knows the feeling of being in love. The way the poet talks about how he wants to take away her pain, by making it his own. The poet talks about how he will threaten her sorrows and how no matter if his actual physical body has been with her or not, his heart always has.

Then he says that this sadness on her face isn’t meant to be there, and that it doesn’t look nice at all. And this relationship she has with grief is unlawful and unfair. He asks her to pull it off her face, and give it to him.

My favorite lines are the Unite your eyelashes with mine in such a way. So that all your tears are set on my eye lashes because it seems so romantic that the poet says that would like her tears on his eyelashes. It’s a very unique way of saying tell me you pain. I think from now on I’m going to say that, give m your tears, and put them on my eyelashes.

 Panda002 

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Sigh*

So, exams are next week. I have been studying my eyes out. But I was talking to my mom about this and I wanted to write about it so, exams don’t matter at this point.

I was talking to my mom, this morning. I told her how I had asked my friends if we wanted to hang out at the mall after exams on Tuesday, to sort of celebrate. And well what I got out of that seemed to stir something in me. So I got 3 people I was asking, there’s apple juice, roro and boo. This year I have gotten real close to them and well I wanted to spend a few hours out at the mall, just chilling. Each of them has a different story. And yet, it’s all the same.

Roro said she had a dentist appointment. When I asked for time, I didn’t get an answer. Maybe she didn’t hear me. Maybe she didn’t want to answer. She couldn’t go. I asked her if her mom was okay with it, with us hanging, she said yeah, her mom doesn’t care much. I worked on my ICP Rube Goldberg project with her and her mom seemed easy going and nice. Her dad, well I didn’t see him but he seemed nice too. Usually when we talk about our families, I know that roro is usually complaining about her siblings. Even when I was at her house she was yelling at them in a language I am not quite familiar with. When I sometimes ask her if her mom knows about a certain thing she usually says no, she won’t get it, even if I explained. I see that she is always, or at least mostly on msn, which means she’s not spending much time with them. Still Roro is better then Boo.

When I asked Boo if she wanted to hang out with me at the mall, she said yes, that her mom would let her, but the mall was a bit of a “not exactly the best place to go”. The next day she said no, that it wasn’t possible. I asked her why and she said her parents probably wouldn’t allow it. All I could think was why didn’t you even ask in the first place. Boo always talks about how close she is, and how cool they are, she and her mom. But then she is hiding so much from her mom. Okay maybe not too much but her mom doesn’t even know she has an msn account. She goes online when their not there, and as soon as they come home, like a person who has committed a crime she shuts the computer and acts like nothing is wrong. I just don’t get it, tell you parents msn is a place where you talk to your friends. Without even trying she has decided that they will not approve. Without even talking to them, without even telling them what msn is and why she would like to use it. Wait, they don’t even now what msn is, so how are they supposed to go against her, like she thinks they will? Well Apple juice is sorta the same.

When I asked Apple Juice she said no, so confidant. When I asked her why she said her dad wasn’t home, and her mom too, out of the city so she couldn’t just go to the mall. I understood her. But then she has the same thing as boo, except her parents know what msn is, but she told them it’s so she can talk to her parents about “school work”. I was like what is wrong with you. She told me they probably wouldn’t let her have an account otherwise.

So I didn’t tell you this for no reason. As I talked to my mom about this she told me something that I wanted to get around too. Parenting happens in two extremes. There is the sort of western side, where parents should not care what their children do and leave their lives to themselves. I’m not saying it’s just the western way, but it seems to be more on that side of the world. It’s not the best way to parent because you don’t talk to your kids at all, their getting themselves into trouble, and they have no idea on what your morals and values are. Besides, family should be close, were people share ideas and talk to each other. Have healthy relationships.

And then there is the other case, where parents give to much of their time trying to please their kids. Or just cut them off from the world so they can connect to family. It’s good, they’re trying, but kids want their space, where they can be with friends, where they have to take care of themselves, because once they leave school they have to take care of themselves. Also, even when kids to get some personal time, they hid it from their parents. Stop talking to them, and it’s isolation. When parents want them to be close, they just drift apart.

There is a fine line between my and my parents. Were in the middle of all of this. My parents are very much involved in my life, and that is because it’s their life too. We are always talking to each other about events here and there. About where we stand as a family, and what we believe in. My mom knows much about me, more then anyone else. She does tell me sometimes to get off the computer and sit with her, and I’m okay with that. We do need to spend some family time, and we do all the time. Where we sit, everyone, and just talk. At the same time, my parents have given me great independence. I can do many things. Hang out at malls, spend time with friends and all. My parents are very much proud of my blog. My dad knows I tweet, msn and all that stuff. I also have a great responsibility, for my actions and around the family. This also keeps me on track, so I stay open and honest with them.

Anyway, I think I started out with a mere story, but I wanted to sorta highlight the problems when it comes to “understanding” and “have a good relationship with your parents”. I mean I’m 16, and I can see this, how come a parents or a child can’t understand it. I mean kids are always talking about how their mad at their parents or parents are talking about how their kids won’t talk to them, why don’t they try to look at it from the other’s perspective. It’s not that hard. I mean if I get it, why can’t they.

Also, I want to thank my parents, for being so great and supportive. How they guide me through life, without going on either extremes or how were so close, closer then many people. Were blessed to be so close and may God keep it that way.

Your daughter and for the rest of you; your fellow blogger

Panda002

Because people can no longer comment on my blog. I made a new one. Okay I know what your thinking, how can you. This is my first blog, it’s very special to me. I don’t want it to be a dusty old blog, so i will still blog here. And there too, they will look exactly the same, only thing is, you can comment on that blog. I have my last post up there, T, go ahead and comment.http://panda002.blogspot.com/ 

Today perhaps was one of the most memorable days of my life. Today I took in a memory so something I had never thought about before, and it made a whole in my chest, the pain is unbearable.

My brother, T,  has some issues. He’s almost seven years old, and as we were growing up, after the shock my other brother’s death, T was in some pain. At the moment none of us were thinking what the effect was in his life, or ours. So what exactly T’s problem is, well I can’t answer that because I don’t know. But the thing I say today, scratched me with pain.

I had come out of the kitchen after cleaning the dishes to see my mom and T sitting on the sofa talking. I got close and heard some of that they were saying. T was saying how much he was sad, when mom asked him why, he didn’t reply, but avoided her gaze, making um’s and ah’s trying to distract us with different stories. My mom asked him how school was and he said again he was sad. One thing to another and he’s taking about how he wants to play with kids but people are mean and he has nothing to do during recess. My mom sat there telling him that if no one is being his friend then he should take crayons and paper to school and sit on the table and draw. My mom was telling him to forget about how all the other kids were playing and move on his own. As much as that is the best thing to do, for a 7 year old, not so.

My mom had to go attend a phone call so I brought my brother up and asked him about this. He told me how there were different groups and whenever he asked people if he could play they told him no. I was shocked, my brother was telling me this with such calmness. I couldn’t help crying as he told me that people were mean to him and he played alone. My brother, almost 7 and in so much pain. He was looking at my tears but didn’t have any of his own. I told him he could cry if he wanted to, but he said that he was smart and smart people didn’t cry. Then he talked about how he is a “smarty pants”. I asked him if people called him that and he said no, they call me by my name but I want to be smart and “change the future” but “building” stuff.

I told him that at one point I didn’t have nay friends and that if he prayed to Allah every night before he went to bed and asked for Allah to make his life easier then he would get friends. Then we counted to see how many friends T had outside of school and we had around 3 people his age. Then we talked about other stuff.

I am know writing this. I can’t stop crying. My brother, a first grader is having these issues. I thought kids were innocent at this age, and weren’t mean that way. I am so so so sad for T btu I also know that I will pray for him, and Allah will make everything write again.

I love you T, you’re my best brother.

Leila

I am typing this on my daddy’s blackberry. Sara is with me as we are waiting for the ceremony.

Nothing is what I have to say. I’m living my life, and I have nothing to say about it

I know I haven’t been writing for a long time, I mean I had spring break and I said I would write more poems but with 3 research paper’s on the way, not going to happen. I mean 4 days after spring break I’m in breathing for air, for break, for rest. The amount of homework I have so is so overwhelming that I’m not sure I will be able to spend my birthday in peace. Yes it’s my birthday is this weekend and I’m planning not much. I mean were going to go to dinner but not much. Anyway, not sure what is going to happen, but I do now that my laptop is going to be one year old. I mean that is huge, I love this piece of plastic and computer chips. It’s the best thing ever.

Ahhh, when will summer come? We have 8 more weeks of being freshmen, and then sophomores. I mean that is something big. Don’t get my wrong, I love my classes now but lately I think I am too into school. Or at least every time I talk about the homework I did I am told not to talk because I make the other’s feel guilty that I have done way more then them (Kate and Dana). I don’t mind or take it serious. I see it funny that they are so trying to watch up with what I do, and well it’s like this joke between us guys. It’s cool. It’s just funny, I’m not allowed to talk about school unless I‘m helping them, and if they need wordy smart looking work they come to me. I think it’s funny and I always help them with my “vast amount of knowledge”. Ha Dana thinks it’s sad/funny/wired/ messed up that I still have this blog and I write so much, when I’m complaining that I don’t get to write that much. Funny the way things are. Funny indeed.

Were working on Romeo And Juliet soon, and at the same time To Kill A Mocking bird and were working on Poetry now. I’m looking forward to it. Anyway, I’ll try to write but I have to go and do some homework. 

Recently reading “The House of Night” novels has got me thinking about a side of me that I have sort of forgotten. Poetry. Also my English teacher told me after we got our research paper done we were going to get into Poetry. This is for anyone out there. Anyway who still reads this messed up blog.

—–

Night perambulates

Grasping her spirit in

Replacing it with a vile one

One that desires to shatter virtuous mortals

To cease this torment

A hero will advance

And put to death the darkness

And reinstate the righteousness

That deserved to command

This rightful land

—

I’m sort of ashamed of my own poetry. Not the best thing in the world. I think it’s rusty but I’ll be working on it more often. Don’t worry. It will get better, hopefully. Besides I’m also not sure what I should write about. Any subjects out there that really spark some nice thoughts? Help me out.

Miscommunication. As for the past few days my mom and me have begin to realize that most of the relationship issues going out there are due to miscommunication.  Because we don’t talk to the people around us, or don’t share our issues with them we end up fighting and making decisions that we don’t want to make, decisions that ruin our future and making the time being a living hell.

Think about it. Simple. When I child doesn’t communicate where there parents they end up fighting. It also goes for teacher and student., boss to employee, friend to friend, husband to wife, sibling to sibling, the list can go on forever. But all of that can be avoided if only we started communicating with each other. If only we had the guts to go up to the people who loves us the most and cares about us like no one else, in their special way and say to them, this is my problem. If only we could tell me how we felt and what we thought about a certain event. If only we could make then feel the pain and tears we had been through. If only we could tell them where we stand and what we wish to see in our life. If only we could tell them the small stupid stories we hear and make us think twice even though we should just ignore them. If only. If only.

But if only we had to trust and let ourselves open to the person who loves us, why don’t we. Maybe we want to talk, and want to let our problems and issues and views come front, but maybe were worried that they might not like it. Maybe they think that were just babbling on and on and we think about nothing but our life and don’t care about anyone else. Maybe if we get that feeling we should tell them that we trust them, look up to them and that even though we know we babble sometimes, we know that whenever wherever they will be there for us and so we trust them that much.  

But what if we don’t think it’s important to tell them all that. Maybe we think we should just keep to ourselves and not let others get a glimpse into our lives. Maybe we want to just deal with our own problems, however we think dealing with them is. But is that enough. How much will you hid in yourself. Someone said that emotions that are not let out just come back in uglier ways, is that what we want. For it to pile on top and then all come back. Isn’t that when we make those decisions that ruin our future and make our present a living hell.

Hum, life is so simple. Why do we complicate it? Sure there is a painful process of growing up and dealing with certain issues that come forth, but during that time if we communicate with people and we tell them how we feel we could probably reduce half of our tension.  That would make things easier. It would. But humans are lazy and stupid and well we don’t do such things. If we were always talking to our parents instead of being mature we would not be confident enough for society.

This is something I could write about and well never stop, but I think I should because I’m very sleepy and I got a big day ahead of me. I would like for people to comment. What are your views on this topic? If we started sharing more and more would we end most of the fights that we grow though? Those fights that are destroying families as we read. Tell me what you think?

So? Exams are over, I’m tired and for some reason excited. I mean I’m one day into second semester, not much of my classes changed. I love General Art and went into Drawing, same teacher and all, but maybe the fact that my grade is now 0, ready to start all over again, it’s making this feel all brand new gradish, if that even is a term. So…. I don’t have anything to say much.

I’m not reading much these days, I checked out “Rebecca” from the library about to read it tonight, but I’m sort of low, not quite sure what to do, I want to watch a movie of some sort so I can just not have to use any energy whatsoever to even flip a page.

So… how is the world out there? I can say I got a cool cell phone, a Nokia E17. It’s great! I would like to thank my dad who gave it to me. So I’m going to go eat some food and many something will spark in my head to write about when I get back

———–

Anyway, after a good nice dinner with a stuffing desert and now no capability to move, I’m ready, to talk about something. I have a topic, not the best but I guess till now you will have to deal with it.

So today I was going to ICP after Arabic and someone, I will not mention any names here, said that X asked Y out and Y just sort of turned her down. So, the story goes like this, X had liked Y for a while and then on the field asked Y out but all Y could say was “I’ll think about it” and X then sort of ran off the field, I’m not sure about this par, in tears and the next class, ICP (Y is in my class) Y was making fun of this. Now by lunch everyone was talking about it, accumulating rumors about it too, one that X had gone home, that’s why her absence during lunch though no one was smart enough to see that she had the second lunch and was in choir at the time.

Anyway, if you think I wrote this story to talk about asking people out, and moving on or any thing if that sort, well no I’m not going too, I think it’s all time consuming crap that ends up giving you more pain then happiness. Gosh, were in 9^th grade we go to school not to find one we might like but to study and to prepare ourselves in the life to come. School is a great place to make friends and learn how to talk with one another. But who said that such lame rumors that are more important to us then history of empires. Okay I get it that we can’t be entire into the whole “study till your brains just die” but school is also not a soap opera where problems just come and come, and these type.

Anywayzzz, I’m not trying to say anything special. I’m not being a teacher or anything, but I think if this is going to be the topics of the day then just shoot me. I could rather much talk about my life that matters rather then X asked Y out. As far as I know, 90% of the people making/sharing the rumors don’t even know X and Y properly, why do they care about how and what happened. Are we thinking that such stories are more important and going to teach us more then school? So what is the moral of the story “Don’t ask a guy out on a field?” what stupidness.

I don’t have much more to say, sorry I can’t seem to think about one subject at the moment. Give me a few days in school, then once we start talking about certain things then I might write a blog post of two.

Comment Please, and I only write for you!